Thursday, January 15, 2009


I have so much hope now.
Once, all I could feel was despair.
The first time I saw a tree cut down, I ran to my mother in tears.
"How could they DO that??" I wailed.
"That tree was so old, and so beautiful. How could they just destroy it in a matter of minutes?"
Trees were my friends. They embraced me with their branches. Held me swaying, aloft, so that I might gain a larger perspective on my surroundings. They gave me shelter when it rained. They gave me fruit to eat, and air to breathe.
I couldn't understand why anyone would want to kill one.
Soon I found out that LOTS of trees were being killed. I realized most people didn't care about the natural beauty that surrounds us. Nor did they care about the ocean, or the sky, or the earth, or the animals, or each other.
This was the beginning of a very dark period in my life.
After a while, I learned to be numb. I didn't care either. I couldn't, or it would destroy me.
So I played the game I was told to play. I did well in school. I went to college. I got married. I got a good job. I bought a house. I had lots of nice things. I forgot about that tree.

But I always felt like something was missing. There was an empty spot inside me. I tried to fill it with things, or lovers, or beer, or cigarettes, or chocolate. It might retreat for a little while, but it always came back. Then things started to go bad. I left my marriage. I lost my pets. My father killed himself. My house was damaged by a major hurricane. I was working so much to pay for all my crap that my health began to deteriorate.

One day, I snapped. Arguing with clients, arguing with the mortgage company, arguing with the car dealership. I had enough. I flipped out and left work. As I passed the car dealership I wanted nothing more than to drive through the plate glass windows and open fire with my 12 gauge shotgun.

That I should want to do such a thing shocked the hell out of me. I realized that something was really, REALLY wrong that I would even think that.

I went home and got drunk. The next day, I didn't go to work. I sat down and thought about what I really wanted out of life. The answers crept in like frightened children.
I want to live in the country. I want to grow and raise my own food. I want to be part of a community of people that love and respect each other and the earth. I want to go outside and watch the sun rise through the mist and feel love and gratitude for every second of my life. I want to be a part of the SOLUTION.

"There will come a point in your life when you feel like everything is ending. That will be the beginning"

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